I will fake it until I make it!

All about the escapades and thoughts of a girl who thinks WAY too much for her own good!

Friday, June 15, 2012

A Comment on Cheating

On Thursday, February 11, 2010 I wrote a somewhat tongue in cheek blog entitled, 95% of Italian Men Cheat.  I wrote the blog after having several conversations with Italian men on how socially acceptable (and almost expected) it is for Italian men to have affairs.

Without a doubt this blog topic has inspired myriad comments both blasting my over generalization and commisserating the title.  Today, however,  I recieved a comment that was more focused on the psychological affects of being the other woman.  It was wonderfully written and I wanted to share it with you today because I think the writer has great points on what it means to accept this role as the mistress.
I have copied the blog exactly as written and posted below.

"In this day and age it's socially acceptable to have 'open' relationships if that's what you choose - we're all grown-ups. Personally I have never been in one, nor would I choose to.

I think what is deeply distasteful in all of these tales of Misogyny - let's call it what it is - is that Misrepresenting reality to a person who shares intimacy with you is not only an unfair exchange - it is mental cruelty.

Only a masochist would sign-up to be a Mistress, reduced to the status of sex provider, and not having any of their human needs for love and respect met. But to get a woman to this point where she accepts to be treated so badly, Italian men misrepresent reality to the victim as if this was a talent or a virtue - they claim to love them (they don't or they would not be Using them) - they claim they are the centre of the universe (and then go home to their wife and children) - they elevate their 'right' to sex above the rights of another human being to not be abused. If it was happening to a child we would call it Grooming. The tacit message to the Mistress - Be weak, be vulnerable, be an object, you are not safe, women are not safe, life has nothing to offer you, so you may as well take what you can get from me.

It is emotionally disorientating to be loving someone, and believe yourself loved in return, only to find that they misrepresented reality to you; that they have a Wife. What do you do then? Renege on your own (valid and real) love and all the energy of life you have invested? Or hang in there hoping that the person who inflicted this Deep-as-Life pain, will make it all better again, and love you back for real?
They think they are clever, getting something for nothing. It is not cleverness it is sociopathy and results in an entire society where no-one really takes ownership or responsibility for deeper emotions. What is going on in the head of the child who knows his father cheats? Who sees his daddy going after the waitress? It teaches them that their whole world is an artifice; their mother and father are not united but opportunists using each other to create a facade or a veneer of respectability. It is an infantilized society as a result, I have honestly met more emotionally amputated Italians than any other nationality; by that I mean they do not forge the connection between emotional love and physical demonstrativeness. I would not choose to live in a culture where the women are so beaten down that the grandmothers are telling their children it is just part of life. It does not have to be - and it is NOT OK to treat the feelings of others - and your own - with such Levity."


  1. Replies
    1. Hi Allison, I have felt uninspired for several years. However, I think I'm ready to start again. Thanks for your encouragement!

  2. You should get the inspiration again....you are funny in a real way which is very hard for most people to write. Your words have a flow that while reading gives the reader the feeling of the grin on your face.

    1. Thank you for your kind words. I have been getting the bug to write again. Your note has also provided encouragement to do so.

  3. Hi there, thanks for this .... your blog is so thoughtful. It is helping me a lot overcoming my Italian crush.

    He admits to cheating and that it's a part of human nature (as an animal) - quoting Mitterand, Holland, Kennedy and Clinton. He says however women can/should do the same, claiming he doesn't mind since he is a "cultured man." He is going through divorce and admits to cheating on his wife but says that's not the cause of the divorce. He said he never wanted to get married, never believed in the institution of marriage, he only did it once to please his then-girlfriend (currently, a wife). I started talking to him because his internet profile said he's divorced. Didn't know he was still going through the divorce process, although it seemed he was at the tail end of it, having been separated and all. He said it takes a very long time to divorce in Italy, and he had some real issues with the Pope and the Church!

    Actually I found out his position on cheating after I read and shared with him your previous post about 95% cheating rate of Italian males. I shared the link and asked him about it and he nonchalantly said "hahaha that is true .. in my marriage I cheated on my wife too... but maybe my wife did the same"! I found this entry later on, just now ...

    I really would love to hear your opinion about this man. How do you analyze him? Is he still a good man? Or is he an emotional cripple, a damaged goods? What would you do with this kind of person?

    I asked him what happens to all his lovers he had in the past and he says: "happy and well." What does he mean by that? Is he lying, do you think? ... do you think he lied to these women that he was married with a child?

    I hope you will respond to my question! Thanks ... =)

    1. Hi - After reading your comments, one might think that you feel conflicted and are confused. However, I know that you are not. In your core you know the answer. I believe you are looking for confirmation that your gut instinct is correct. I will tell you this. I have never known a gut instinct to be incorrect. If clever enough, any person can make a "logical" argument about why something is okay or why something is not okay. We can justify almost anything we do in life (no matter how noble or how horrible).

      I do not know this man. It would be impossible for me to really analyze him. BUT I do believe that you have a deep down gut feeling about him. All I can do is encourage you to stop listening to other people and listen to yourself. Believe that you are a good person who deserves to be treated with NOTHING but respect (and that includes how you treat yourself.) Believe that you have a great amount of love to contribute to someone and to receive from someone. And never, never, never put someone else's wishes before your own. We must first love ourselves to truly be able to love another. People might tell you this is selfish. They are misguided and don't fully understand what I am saying. There is nothing selfish about loving yourself. It's what allows you to share real and balanced love with the rest of the world around you.

      We must lead by example for our children and be strong, loving, trust worthy, and moral guides for our next generations.

      FOLLOW YOUR GUT! YOU have the answer.

      With respect and good wishes,

    2. Thank you so much Val. This is such a thoughtful response - amazing. It made my day! I started to think less and less of him as the time passes, and started to realize more of his flaws, so I think I'm in a good shape now. Your response cemented my decision. Thanks so much. I may keep him around as a chat friend but there is no chance I will become one of his mistresses or his open relationship gals. Ha!

      Thank you so much!

      With a lot of fondness, warmth, and respect for the wonderful woman/human being you are,

    3. Thanks for your kind reply. I am glad you are feeling better and more centered.

      I have been taught to only do things that "serve" my true nature and make me feel whole, happy, and fulfilled. If we all made decisions based on whether they honored who we really are as a person could you imagine how much less pain there would be in the world!

      Follow your internal wisdom and serve the great person that is you. :-)