I will fake it until I make it!

All about the escapades and thoughts of a girl who thinks WAY too much for her own good!

Thursday, January 20, 2011

The Valetta Stone

Color me bitter! Label me jaded! I do not care! Lately I’ve found myself in several situations where I cannot be completely honest with men about what I’m truly thinking. Of course there are many reasons for this, but the most compelling is I would come off as a royal bitch and feel guilty about it for days afterward. Given this, I do what any smart, self-preserving woman would do when speaking with mal-informed or blissfully unaware men; I smile sweetly, speak in a slightly softened voice, and say the complete OPPOSITE of what I am really thinking.

Lately, however, this practice has left me feeling on edge and unfulfilled. So, in true passive aggressive fashion, I've created a little cipher to help the men in my life better understand what I’m really thinking.  Think of this as my own version of Rosetta Stone, but instead I’ll call it “The Val-etta Stone.”

You are too much = You are a COMPLETE wanker!

No silly = Hey Dumbass, you’re totally missing the point!

You are too funny = You’re an IDIOT and I cannot believe I have to tolerate your lame ass!

I’m not mad at all = I’m MAD AS HELL, but I’ll never give you the satisfaction of knowing that.

I’m frustrated by your comment = Are you really that fucking clueless?

I don't know what to say = You just don't fucking get it, and I am tired of repeating myself.

I'm sorry if I confused you = I'll take the blame so your HUGE ego does not get bruised.

No worries if you can’t do it = I don’t expect you to get off your lazy ass to help me anyway, so don't feel guilty. I'll just work it out myself as per usual!

I’m expecting The Valetta-Stone to hit the market sometime in early June!


  1. Val, you ARE too funny!! And I don't mean that in ValettaStoneSpeak. I think your language is spot on. So many times I really wish I could screw diplomacy and tell people to bugger off. Then I think back to when I met a guy who did make me mad as hell. His best friend, Chris, asked if I was upset and I said "Of course I am not mad. He wants to date cheerleader types. If this is the kind of girl he likes then we're not for each other". The next time I saw Chris, I told him I really thought his buddy was an asshole. I felt like crap for saying that, especially when Chris defended his pal. So I decided to have a cocktail, give his friend a 2nd chance and then I married him 15 months later. So what I am trying to say is, don't be afraid to speak your mind sometimes, and don't be afraid to take a second look either!

  2. its like people from the south when theyh say "bless your heart" means your an idiot! so I love the additions you have created.. now i must watch out when you call me silly or tell me im too finny! ha

  3. Ha! Don't worry Sherrie this just applies to men (specifically ex-boyfriends!)

  4. Amen sister! Ah, the fine art of female "diplomacy." Do we want men to understand what we're really saying or not?? Hmmmm...