Color me bitter! Label me jaded! I do not care! Lately I’ve found myself in several situations where I cannot be completely honest with men about what I’m truly thinking. Of course there are many reasons for this, but the most compelling is I would come off as a royal bitch and feel guilty about it for days afterward. Given this, I do what any smart, self-preserving woman would do when speaking with mal-informed or blissfully unaware men; I smile sweetly, speak in a slightly softened voice, and say the complete OPPOSITE of what I am really thinking.
Lately, however, this practice has left me feeling on edge and unfulfilled. So, in true passive aggressive fashion, I've created a little cipher to help the men in my life better understand what I’m really thinking. Think of this as my own version of Rosetta Stone, but instead I’ll call it “The Val-etta Stone.”
You are too much = You are a COMPLETE wanker!
No silly = Hey Dumbass, you’re totally missing the point!
You are too funny = You’re an IDIOT and I cannot believe I have to tolerate your lame ass!
I’m not mad at all = I’m MAD AS HELL, but I’ll never give you the satisfaction of knowing that.
I’m frustrated by your comment = Are you really that fucking clueless?
I don't know what to say = You just don't fucking get it, and I am tired of repeating myself.
I'm sorry if I confused you = I'll take the blame so your HUGE ego does not get bruised.
No worries if you can’t do it = I don’t expect you to get off your lazy ass to help me anyway, so don't feel guilty. I'll just work it out myself as per usual!
I’m expecting The Valetta-Stone to hit the market sometime in early June!